21st Century Japanese Queerness 

Cycle paths

Anything goes on Japanese bicycles. And Japanese bicycles go anywhere.

Pedestrians merely garnish the pavements because a bicycle could emerge from any direction, at any time, inspiring countless renditions of the time old pre-emptive direction guessing game. This familiar encounter is often the cause of much amusement between passing pedestrians, as the other instinctively presupposes the same exit route as his foe. Executed correctly it can look like some sort of chicken impersonating ritual, culminating in mutual acknowledgement of embarrassment and responsibility.

Put the other person on a bicycle and the game becomes less about impersonating chickens and more about avoiding catastrophe. A bicycle will approach you much quicker than the average human on foot, and before you know it there`ll be a tyre lodged into your groin and you`ll have to begin untangling your scrotum from the bicycle spokes.

Nothing halts the Japanese cyclist - especially not stop signs, which are frequently ignored. In Japan, the worldwide code of unwritten cycling conventions is quite clearly not worth the paper it`s not written on.

Carrots are not the only vegetable

Guidebooks will tell you that the Japanese always sit on the fence. They are too polite to make positive or negative assertions outright.

In fact this is a myth propogated by none other than the Japanese themselves. While the British and the Germans are invariably proud of their bluntness, the Japanese prefer to infer their own modesty. This would be fine if it were supported in everyday reality. But the Japanese tend towards the stubborn scale of the social barometer.

In Britain, if one asks a woman for affirmation and the response is "Yeah, right" one should prepare oneself for a messy emotional discharge. In Japan it is much more clear cut. In fact the retort is often razor sharp. For example, a Japanese teacher was asked "Is this correct?", to which she responded "Yeah, right", Clarification was swiftly sought. Her disdainful reply was "If I say yes I mean yes. If I want to say no I`ll say no".

Later in the week she was teaching Japanese words for various fruits. "Isn`t the tomato a fruit?" she was asked. "No, in Japan the tomato is a vegetable" she replied. So now you know.

ATM-A terrible mess

ATMs, holes in the wall, the last port of call for that all imporant emergency injection of cash. In Britain they are everywhere, leaving some towns more holes than walls. When one`s already generous budget for more than a few beers is outspent, the trusted ATM supplies the monetary boost for that essential premptive hangover cure, the kebab. Or take an average shopping trip, once again it is the ATM, that miraculous money-giving machine, that coughs up the notes. ATMs provide a saintly facade for the murky business of debt accumulation, but they are almost integral to the functioning of a healthy society.

Which is why it is even more strange that in Japan, ATMs aren`t holes in walls, they are holes behind doors. And when you most need them, those doors are invariably shut. Yes, ATMs, bastions of convenience, are bound by the fetters of strict opening hours. In a country that has so many vending machines one would be hard pushed ever to be more than a fifty metre walk from a bottle of Pocari Sweat it seems strange that when it comes to cash, all you can ever get is cold turkey. It`s saturday morning in a busy commuter town, you need money to buy a train ticket in order to get to work, in order to earn money, to put in your bank account, to withdraw from ATMs at your leisure. The automatic door remains automatically shut. How terribly annoying.

Full of Shinto

Shinto 1:
There is a shinto ceremony for blessing the roof of a house under construction. Builders climb to the top of the roof, carrying with them a large dead fish on a tray for good measure. They then proceed to throw bean and rice cakes at the people beneath. The idea is that the motley crew on the ground scurry about collecting the said confectionery. Bean cakes can be quite heavy, especially large ones, which are like breast implants made of lead. Bending over to collect a cake is often accompanied by an ominous clonk on the head from an air to surface bean missile. The problem with a celebration for erecting the structure of a house`s roof, is rain. A roof does not provide much cover when it has not yet been built. Having violently assaulted the gathered audience, the builders then break into traditional song, and there is much merriment. The beer flows and sushi rolls out - one soon forgets that shinto ceremonies are soggy and dangerous affairs.



[A builder can barely contain his glee as he pummels the congregation with rice cakes. These sweets are mouth-watering. One has to produce a month`s worth of saliva just to chew a single one of them. Having given up on mastication, one swallows the offending foodstuff whole, only for a thud on the nut to remind one that hundreds more of the cakes are earthbound. Perhaps the builder looks so happy because he is getting rid of the bloody things.]

Sleeping on trains:
The Japanese go into standby mode on trains. They sit down and the power goes off. Their heads flop down, nodding in agreement with the train`s momentum. Tired office workers have an uncanny tendency to levitate in their slumber, often re-appearing on different trains seemingly without altering their flaccid posture. But even schoolchildren nod off in transit, soon after their hand-held gaming devices and mobile phones have finally succeeded in nullifying any hint of independent thought or creative energy from their well-drilled brains. Perhaps they dream a lot, imagining a world without a hamster-wheel work ethic and a seven day school week.



[A wide-awake westerner is stuck in a sleepy Japanese sandwich.]

Punctuality:
The Japanese transport system is world-renowned. Compared to European transport networks, perhaps with the exception of Germany, it is a welcome change. Everything runs on time. The reason everything runs on time is an absolute commitment to deliver an efficient service. The British transport system could learn a great deal from the Japanese model: air-conditioned carriages, well-presented staff, a consistent and coherent fare structure. What the guide books don`t tell you is that the Japanese are so committed to time-keeping that they will sometimes depart early in order to arrive "on time". Few people are proud of the British rail network, but at least it is honest about its general inadequacy, with many trains cancelled because of an "absence of driver", or other such minor drawbacks. Japan is different. In the author`s humble opinion, if a bus is scheduled to leave at 10am it should not leave at 09:56am. One driver was even seen moving his clock forward in order to depart early on time. This will not do. If things are on time because they are early, then that makes late people even later, and the sordid cycle will continue until late people just become incredibly early for the next bus, with the concept of punctuality entirely redundant.

Expressing Contradictions:
There are three types of trains in this area of Japan. The type of train depends on the number of stations at which it stops, denoted by a coloured sign on the outside of each carriage. Limited Express trains have a red sign, and stop only at major stations, Express trains are marked with a green sign and stop more frequently than Limited Express trains but less frequently than Local trains, which are marked by a white sign and stop everywhere. This is a perfectly rational system. Problems arise however when a train undergoes an identity crisis and changes from an Express train to a Local train over the course of one`s journey. Newcomers to the country will step confidently on to a speedy Express train, only for it to morph into a Local train without a hint of warning (except for a Japanese tannoy announcement that might as well be broadcasting eskimo television news backwards). Of course the system works perfectly most of the time, making such unexpected contradictions all the more infuriating.

Let the queerness commence

In 1903 Douglas Sladen attempted to comprehensively document Japanese culture. His book, Queer Things About Japan, was little more than a prejudiced and superficial abuse of the Japanese way of life. The English adored it and it soon became a bestseller. More than a century later I have been given an opportunity to draw my own conclusions about Japan. These remarks are merely reactionary noodles of thought, coloured more by divergences from the familiar than by any profound knowledge of the Japanese way of life. These are the observations of a gaijin* who knows he won’t eat a proper sausage for another three months…

The Language 1:
There are three alphabets in Japanese, and yet none of them have a sound for ‘l’ or ‘x’. The Japanese language has an inbuilt security system. This is called kanji, and its sole purpose is to dissuade foreigners from ever wanting to learn Japanese. Words written in katakana should be pronounced in the style of one who has lost complete control of all facial muscles.

The Weather 1:
It is common to use an umbrella to protect oneself from the rain. It is common to use an umbrella to protect oneself from the sun. It is common to use an umbrella in Japan. It is not advisable to use an umbrella to protect oneself from a typhoon. Using an umbrella to protect oneself from a typhoon is likely to result in damage both to the umbrella and to those people in one’s vicinity that are not using umbrellas to protect themselves from typhoon-induced flying umbrella debris.

Corporations:
It is a long time since the world looked upon this land as "Japan Inc", but it seems that notions of career ladders and synergetic enterprises still hold strong. The text book for my first four Japanese lessons could barely conceal its obsession with the idea of worker, hierarchy and conglomerate. Simmering beneath the grammar exercises was an undertone of corporate vocabulary that might seem disconcerting in any country other than one whose citizens spit out their rank and allegiance within moments of a carefully calculated bow of introduction. Japan’s corporations mean business; a handful of companies seem to produce everything from beer to cameras and ready-meals. Suntory et al. would probably make babies if they could find a way of stuffing them into vending machines.

Alcohol 1:
In Britain, so-called "binge drinking" is a problem. In Japan, "binge drinking" is actively encouraged. A night out in Japan might begin with a binge　eating session - a bacteria boosting Korean barbeque perhaps. After two hours consuming the sort of meat one wouldn’t wish upon a pedigree chum, you advance to a karaoke box, where you sing and drink until you can no longer endure another rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. This wipe-clean musical experience inevitably leads to a search for another bar or nightclub, where you drink until the Korean meat in your guts is doing the doggy paddle. Japanese salarymen like to drink. Occasionally a Japanese salaryman will vomit on you in a train. This is apparently quite common, and in these situations it is polite to turn a blind eye. Try to imagine the salaryman in question has given you a small gift, rather than draw attention to the fact that he has just spilled the contents of his stomach onto your leg. If you notice that your friend has been the unfortunate recipient of such a gift you could always redeem the situation by urinating all over the place. Seemingly, public urination is socially acceptable in Japan, whereas attempting to prevent streams of snot from seasoning your udon is frowned upon.

Bowing 1:
Bow low, bow often. The Japanese will almost always return a bow, so try not to bow at too many people in passing cars. Remember that a bow is a mark of respect. Consider also that while the person in front of you is greeted by your bow, the person behind you is confronted only by your backside. This is especially important to bear in mind if Japanese food has not been agreeing with your bowels.

Japanese Food 1:
The Japanese are extremely proud of their cuisine. A Japanese person does not want to know if you adore Japanese food and can use chopsticks as if they were a natural extension of your fingers. Japanese food exists for the entertainment of those Japanese watching westerners trying to eat it. Noodles are intended to cover one’s face in whatever substance they happen to be sitting in. This is achieved by an action known as slurping, in which a significant quantity of noodles is inhaled to the accompaniment of a sound which resembles a German language student practising vowel sounds.

*Japanese word for foreigner