Let the queerness commence

In 1903 Douglas Sladen attempted to comprehensively document Japanese culture. His book, Queer Things About Japan, was little more than a prejudiced and superficial abuse of the Japanese way of life. The English adored it and it soon became a bestseller. More than a century later I have been given an opportunity to draw my own conclusions about Japan. These remarks are merely reactionary noodles of thought, coloured more by divergences from the familiar than by any profound knowledge of the Japanese way of life. These are the observations of a gaijin* who knows he won�t eat a proper sausage for another three months�

The Language 1:
There are three alphabets in Japanese, and yet none of them have a sound for �l� or �x�. The Japanese language has an inbuilt security system. This is called kanji, and its sole purpose is to dissuade foreigners from ever wanting to learn Japanese. Words written in katakana should be pronounced in the style of one who has lost complete control of all facial muscles.

The Weather 1:
It is common to use an umbrella to protect oneself from the rain. It is common to use an umbrella to protect oneself from the sun. It is common to use an umbrella in Japan. It is not advisable to use an umbrella to protect oneself from a typhoon. Using an umbrella to protect oneself from a typhoon is likely to result in damage both to the umbrella and to those people in one�s vicinity that are not using umbrellas to protect themselves from typhoon-induced flying umbrella debris.

Corporations:
It is a long time since the world looked upon this land as "Japan Inc", but it seems that notions of career ladders and synergetic enterprises still hold strong. The text book for my first four Japanese lessons could barely conceal its obsession with the idea of worker, hierarchy and conglomerate. Simmering beneath the grammar exercises was an undertone of corporate vocabulary that might seem disconcerting in any country other than one whose citizens spit out their rank and allegiance within moments of a carefully calculated bow of introduction. Japan�s corporations mean business; a handful of companies seem to produce everything from beer to cameras and ready-meals. Suntory et al. would probably make babies if they could find a way of stuffing them into vending machines.

Alcohol 1:
In Britain, so-called "binge drinking" is a problem. In Japan, "binge drinking" is actively encouraged. A night out in Japan might begin with a binge　eating session - a bacteria boosting Korean barbeque perhaps. After two hours consuming the sort of meat one wouldn�t wish upon a pedigree chum, you advance to a karaoke box, where you sing and drink until you can no longer endure another rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. This wipe-clean musical experience inevitably leads to a search for another bar or nightclub, where you drink until the Korean meat in your guts is doing the doggy paddle. Japanese salarymen like to drink. Occasionally a Japanese salaryman will vomit on you in a train. This is apparently quite common, and in these situations it is polite to turn a blind eye. Try to imagine the salaryman in question has given you a small gift, rather than draw attention to the fact that he has just spilled the contents of his stomach onto your leg. If you notice that your friend has been the unfortunate recipient of such a gift you could always redeem the situation by urinating all over the place. Seemingly, public urination is socially acceptable in Japan, whereas attempting to prevent streams of snot from seasoning your udon is frowned upon.

Bowing 1:
Bow low, bow often. The Japanese will almost always return a bow, so try not to bow at too many people in passing cars. Remember that a bow is a mark of respect. Consider also that while the person in front of you is greeted by your bow, the person behind you is confronted only by your backside. This is especially important to bear in mind if Japanese food has not been agreeing with your bowels.

Japanese Food 1:
The Japanese are extremely proud of their cuisine. A Japanese person does not want to know if you adore Japanese food and can use chopsticks as if they were a natural extension of your fingers. Japanese food exists for the entertainment of those Japanese watching westerners trying to eat it. Noodles are intended to cover one�s face in whatever substance they happen to be sitting in. This is achieved by an action known as slurping, in which a significant quantity of noodles is inhaled to the accompaniment of a sound which resembles a German language student practising vowel sounds.

*Japanese word for foreigner

Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:07 am MST by kiranriisujenkinsu | Email Article |

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Me again. Actually, gaijin is a somewhat derogatory word for foreigner, often preceded---though usually not to you g\face with "baka" (foolish) or "henna" (weirdo). The Japanese will go to foreign countires and call the citizens of taht country gaijin. It actually means outside person. I has come to mean white non-Japanese of the caucasion race, although now they try to say otherwise now. Gaikokujin means "outside country person" or foreiegner and is much more polite. SOn't know about you, but when I go home, if I ever hear a Japanese call me or other citizens of my country "gaijin", or even gaikokujin, I and going to kick ass.

Fri Mar 31, 2006 1:12 am MST by D

Let the queerness commence

Let the queerness commence

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